Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Boundaries Edition)

The holiday season can be a time of celebration but sometimes it can be stressful and overwhelming. Setting clear boundaries can make a real difference in helping to preserve your mental and emotional well-being.  Here are 6 tips from the crisis help line for maintaining healthy boundaries and while still soaking up the joy of the season. 

Define Your Priorities Before you start setting boundaries, it’s important to identify your priorities. What are the most meaningful aspects of the holidays for you? Is it spending time with immediate family, reconnecting with old friends, or quiet time alone? Understanding your priorities will guide you in setting boundaries that align with what you find important.

Communicate Openly - Share your intentions and needs and be clear about your boundaries and why they are important to you. Honest conversations can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, and your loved ones are more likely to respect your wishes if they understand your perspective.

Just Say No – Kindly - You don’t have to agree to every invitation or request that comes your way during the holidays. Politely decline when necessary, and remember that it’s perfectly acceptable to allocate your time and energy to what matters most to you. Saying no is a powerful skill when it comes to setting boundaries. 

Create a Budget - Financial boundaries are just as important as personal ones.  Setting a budget for holiday spending can prevent financial stress. Plan your gift-giving, travel, and entertainment expenses ahead of time, and stick to your budget.  

Prioritize Self-Care - During the holidays, it’s easy to forget about self-care. Taking care of yourself can be hard when there’s so much to do. Finding moments for yourself can simply include reading, meditation, exercise or writing in a journal. Don’t be afraid to re-charge.

Reach Out for Support - If you are feeling overwhelmed due to holiday stress, don’t keep your feelings bottled up. Sharing your thoughts and emotions with friends or family members can be therapeutic. You can always text HOME to 741741 to reach a live volunteer Crisis Counselor for support. 

Setting healthy boundaries for the holidays is a powerful way to protect your mental and emotional well-being while ensuring a more enjoyable and meaningful holiday. Please view the 8 steps on how to resolve and establish boundaries from Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsends Holiday Boundaries

8 Steps to Resolve Boundary Problems with Your Family Establishing boundaries with your family members is a tough task, but one with great reward. It is a process that follows these eight steps:

Identify the Symptom - Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist with your parents and siblings. The basic question is this: Where have you lost control of your property? Identify those areas and see their connection with the family you grew up in, and you are on your way.

Identify the Conflict - Discover what dynamic is playing out. Do you take responsibility for a sibling or parent instead of being responsible to them? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for their behavior? Are you passive and reactive toward them and the conflict? You cannot stop acting out a dynamic until you understand what you are doing. Then, you will be able to see clearly to deal with your family members. See yourself as the problem and find your boundary violations.

Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict - You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God. Those who understand His will and can love you the way He designed.

Practice Boundary Skills -Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries. When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy.

Say No to the Bad - In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past. When you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can’t reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools. Be careful to not get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong.

Forgive the Aggressor - Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel a debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to him forever. Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from the dysfunction. They still want something from them. It is better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to repay their debt. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred. If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This “ties” him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free.

Respond, Don’t React - When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt - The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom. Sometimes people who are building boundaries feel that to do someone a favor is codependent. Nothing is farther from the truth. Codependents are not doing well; they are allowing evil because they are afraid. In contrast, doing well for someone, when you freely choose to do it, is boundary enhancing.

Want to learn more about BOUNDARIES???

Join the first of two 1 hour workshops on Building & Maintaining Boundaries Class, Sunday, Dec 15th @ 6p for $20.00!

If you register before Dec 10th you’ll get a bonus Group Q&A about boundaries on Monday Dec 16th, 6p!!

Ready to change your life? You can scan the QR CODE or click this link:

https://gr8essentials.com/coaching-opportunities

Boundaries Workshop

You can get the full PDF (Boundaries for the Holidays and the view the How to set boundaries during the Holidays Blog at the links below)

*https://www.crisistextline.org/blog/2023/12/06/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-for-the-holidays

*https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0031/1368/0931/files/Boundaries-for-the-Holidays2017.pdf