What's The 411

Addiction is an inability to stop using a substance or engaging in a behavior even though it may cause psychological or physical harm. Anyone with addictive behavior should seek treatment that’s fit for their situation. When you think about an addiction you think Alcohol, Cocaine, or some type of substance abuse. It's more widespread than that. You can be addicted to food, shopping, relationships, smoking, sex, and even to social media. In my self-study of addiction, I learned you must heal the source. The underlying reason you're picking up the drink or craving to cuddle with someone you don't have an attraction to.

Webster’s dictionary defines a source as: a generative force, a cause, a point of origin. The source is the cause and the addiction is the effect. Childhood issues, low self esteem, loneliness, abuse, and anxiety are just a few of the reasons people drink, shop, or turn to their D.O.C (Drug of Choice or Decision of Choice) to make them feel better. I attended a Made to Crave bible study (Author: Lysa TerKeurst), it was about learning to crave God, and not food. We were in our second week and people were starting to have eye opening experiences. During our discussion time, I noticed a woman on my left silently weeping. I handed her tissues, rubbed her back for support, and then went back to my seat. After a few people shared about their struggles and/or triumphs with addiction the weeping woman stood up to share. She began to tell us that the night before she had pizza for dinner. Despite being full after eating two slices she grabbed another slice, then another, and another until the pizza was gone. She said she couldn't resist the temptation to eat the whole pizza, although she was full after the second slice. At this point, you could look at her tear stained face and tell she was feeling the guilt all over again. The facilitator asked, “Why do you think you did that?” She thought for a moment, and answered, growing up we had to eat all our food before getting up from the dinner table; even if we were full before our plates were empty. She added, if we didn't eat it all we'd be punished, if we did, we'd be rewarded with dessert. She then spoke about how she could see the joy in her mom’s face as she watched her family enjoy the meal she prepared. It was pin-drop silence as everyone listened. After her share some people gave her hugs in support and others were in thought about their own families. I know a lot of parents that urge their children to finish their food. Mostly to teach them to not ask for more than they can handle. I’m sure the thought never crossed their minds that they may be teaching their children bad habits of gluttony. Her Addiction: Overeating Her Source: Childhood Behavior 

My mother shared in our book, God Turned Mommy's Wine into Water, (Yes, a shameless plug) about having yearly New Year's Eve parties, and how her significant other would never show up. She shared how she would entertain, smile, and drink during the party. But after the New Year’s Eve ball dropped her loneliness would rise because people would start to leave. As others were at home winding down and snuggling into bed. Her "party" was just beginning. She would take a few of the left-over bottles of Champagne to her room and drink until she passed out. During this time, it was easier to drink her sorrows away, than deal with the reality of her relationship. Although, this example is on a Holiday, it didn't take a special occasion for her to be on "Destination Pass out". 

Mom’s Addiction: Alcoholism  Mom’s Source: Abandonment & Low Self Esteem.

As I grew up, I observed my grandmother, the matriarch of our family, constantly "fixing" everyone around her. She embodied the roles of a wife, mother, grandmother, caregiver, cook, counselor, cleaner, babysitter, and more. While these are typical roles for many matriarchs, my grandmother had no boundaries. She was married to an alcoholic who was the love of her life; he didn’t provide, so she became the provider. He wasn’t handy, so she learned to change locks and unclog sinks. He enjoyed entertaining but would often get drunk and retreat to bed during his gatherings. Although she wasn’t fond of socializing, she became the perfect host until every last guest had left. In my generation, we would refer to her as a "ride or die" woman. Yet, no one sees the "ride or die" woman alone in her room after facing disappointments, feeling used or frustrated with herself for allowing others to take advantage of her. Sadly, my beloved grandmother never learned about co-dependency before she passed. She didn’t know how to establish boundaries or assert herself, nor could she tell her eager granddaughter, who watched her every move, that she didn’t have to follow in her footsteps. So, unaware of the pattern, I became the "I'll fix it" person. As a child, I would try to cover up my mother’s struggles with alcoholism. I would check that the doors were locked, the stove was off, and ensure my little brother was sound asleep before bed. I had a knack for making everything appear perfect, much like a skilled makeup artist creating a flawless look. This facade attracted friends who were in troubled relationships or struggling with their own issues, they sought my counsel, believing I had it all together. Just like my grandmother, I was well put-together, and people asked me how I managed life’s responsibilities. I devoured countless self-help books, offering valuable advice to others while lacking the strength to embody it myself. I feared appearing weak or vulnerable. Although people dubbed me "Superwoman," real life felt like my kryptonite. 

My Grandmother’s Addiction: Co-Dependency My Grandmother’s Source: Unknown 

My Addiction: Co-Dependency  My Source: Childhood Abandonment

Once you find your source it maybe a bit easier to understand the addiction and work on a recovery plan. You can talk to the little girl with the compulsive overeating disorder, then find the strength to put her fork down. Tell the woman with alcoholism that she is enough and can be happy and in recovery without needing bottles of champagne. 

Family Remember: Every share is one step closer to healing.  May the source be with you :-)

Wanna discuss more? - Email me at: codependentme@outlook.com  

Love Ya!

Tamala